Every enviornment makes its own specific social and moral demands on the individual.

As such,in the Indian environment today raising a daughter is not what it used to be a few decades earlier.Keeping this in view, the book has been created especially for the mothers of today.

The mother of two daughters, the author has used both her own experiences and suggestions from peers to give valuable insights on bringing up a daughter in 21st century India.

She has not only attempted to highlight the problems of bringing up a daughter today, but also tried to show how these can be tackled, blending our traditional values to bring up a well-adjusted daughter.

The book contains time-tested tips,practical suggestions and reliable recommendations, with insights from paediatricians, psychiatrists, teachers and other experts, and will serve as an effective guide for all mothers, particularly first-time mothers.

Peppered with numerous first-person accounts,the book can serve as a handy guide in moments of trying tension, while dealing with your teenage daughter.


About the author:

The author had her early schooling in Germany and Japan.

She passed her Senior Cambridge from the Convent of Jesus and Mary, New Delhi and graduated with English Honours from Sophia College, Bombay. She subsequently secured a B.Ed degree.

She has written on a wide variety of subjects, ranging from the reservation policy to home management.

Rapidex Home Management Guideis her other book published by Pustak Mahal.



CONTENTS:
1. The Socio-historical and Cultural Background
2. Prevalent Attitudes Towards the Girl-child
3. The Girl-child at Home
4. Handling Teenagers
5. Educating Your Daughter
6. A Daughter’s Socio-cultural and Sartorial Education
7. Some New Hazards of Bringing Up a Daughter
8. A Daughter’s Physical and Mental Well-being
9. The Role of Physical Fitness
10. Emotional Well-being
11. The Queen of the Kitchen
12. Handling Puberty and its Problems
13. Career Options and Economic Compulsions
14. Marriage and Motherhood
15. Inheritance, Dowry and Divorce

INTRODUCTION:
Until the last three decades of the 20th century, women throughout the world were placed in a special category – to be protected, cosseted, respected, revered, or discriminated against and exploited, as the situation warranted.

Till the mid-1960s, women all over the world were expected to fulfil their designated traditional roles in society which encompassed, as the Germans put it, kinder, kucher und kirsche or “children, the kitchen and the church”. Although history is full of instances of learned women and powerful queens from Vedic India to Victorian England, women by and large played a secondary role in society. A woman’s ultimate aim was to have a ‘good’ marriage, as wealth, power and social prestige all emanated from the man and his status in society. The concept of a woman having her own identity and independent status simply did not exist.

After the First World War, when women were forced to help in the war effort and even take up jobs in factories, the Women’s Suffragette Movement in the United States and England sought to obtain the right to vote. Despite their image of being ‘advanced’ and ‘modern’, women in Western societies were as dominated upon as their sisters elsewhere. During the Middle Ages, though chivalry was the order of the day, knights going on Crusades bound their wives with a chastity belt. Even as men fought duels to maintain the honour of their ladies, clerics asked, “Do women have souls?”

Even today, in many so-called modern and civilised cultures there are separate norms for men and women. For example, even in 21st century Japan, a girl cannot ascend the throne. The Japanese ruler, believed to be a direct descendant of the Sun God, can only be male. In many Western countries, men and women do not receive equal pay for equal work and in Switzerland, women had not received the right to vote until the early 1990s.

For many centuries, the pattern of women’s lives remained the same. Education for them was not considered important. Beauty, docility, domestic skills, obedience and patience were necessary virtues that had to be cultivated. Divorce was virtually unheard of and strong social strictures ensured that marriage was a permanent bond.
Although the Women’s Liberation Movement of the 1960s, along with the emancipating effect of the birth control pill, forced a radical change in Western societies, in other parts of the world the effect has not been so dramatic. Yes, women are more educated and seek to utilise their education to become professionals and financially independent, but the home and family are still given importance, particularly in Indian society. Since India moves in several centuries at the same time, there are still many in the remote areas who bring up the girl-child as had been done over the millennium, with few concessions to modernity.

But in general, as the Taliban experience in Afghanistan has proved, the clock cannot be turned back to the medieval ages – some concessions have to be made to modernity and the winds of change are seeping in, no matter how slowly.

In seeking to bring up one’s daughter in 21st century India, it is necessary to do what Indian society is known for, which is to achieve a fusion between the best of tradition and modernity, so that our daughters can achieve a pivotal role in the future of both the country and our family system. Individuals cannot function in a vacuum, so it is essential that the girl-child be brought up in a way that combines the best from the past in order to fulfil the challenges of the unknown future, without compromising on one’s values and traditions.

This book seeks to offer balanced guidelines on the best ways of bringing up a daughter in present-day India. Thus, a broad gamut of topics has been touched upon. Sometimes the reader may find that the author is judgmental, at other times, liberal. This is because in today’s fast-changing environment a rigid stance may be counterproductive, since girls are now being subjected to many influences that were not prevalent in an earlier era, such as excessive peer pressure, exposure to the media and the influence of the fashion industry.

Thus, it requires a great deal of maturity and tactful handling to exercise some influence over our children and to guide them in successfully tackling the multifarious roles that they face in the present world – as daughters, students, career women, wives, mothers and mothers-in-law. I do hope this book achieves that objective in some small measure.

Lastly, my special thanks to Mrs Tanushree Podder for her tips and suggestions and for contributing Chapter 12, Handling Puberty and its Problems.
—Rupa Chatterjee

EXCERPTS:
Chap. 2: Prevalent Attitudes Towards the Girl-child
Half a century of independence, social transformation, media campaigns and education have undoubtedly had their effect on Indian society. Although in rural areas girls live under toil and subjugation even today, as they have for centuries, this is not evident across all levels of society, especially in urban areas. To some extent, the message of the small family norm, the spread of effective birth control methods, the benefits of education and the pace of development have all ensured a better lifestyle and more equitable spread of food, healthcare and education. Smaller land holdings and the mechanisation of farming have proved that a large family does not necessarily mean higher income generation.

Across urban areas and smaller towns, lack of space makes it practical to have fewer children. Moreover, the fact that a significant percentage of girls are able to learn and earn, underlines the reality that a girl can also be an economic asset, rather than a liability.

In the higher-income groups, many married couples are stopping at one child, irrespective of whether it is a boy or girl. Not only is the girl given the same education as a boy, but she is also encouraged to become a doctor, an engineer, a management or software professional or even a pilot or a member of the armed forces. In 21st century India, there is no area of any modern profession that is beyond the reach of a girl with the requisite qualifications.

Whereas the 1950s and 1960s saw more women in their traditional role and less in the workforce, today, for any job, there are a large number of female applicants. In fact, one of the main problems girls and their parents currently face is the extent of commitment and dedication they extend to their careers, leading to postponement of marriage and the raising of children. Some hesitate to give up their economic independence for marriage, while others choose to be DINKs – Double Income No Kids – as they believe their career commitments are so fulfilling, there is no place in their lives to make the compromises that necessarily follow with the birth of a child.

The same mindset has found widespread support in the UK, where a poll conducted in June 2002 revealed that people felt children were an impediment to their professional progress, that they cost too much financially and emotionally and that they strained rather than cemented failing marriages.

However, DINKs are still not in a majority in this huge country of one billion. Indian society remains deeply family-oriented, and Western individualism, freedom and affluence are not the overwhelming desire of the majority. Indian society realised much earlier what the West is realising today as a means of stabilising their crumbling society – a single person with a high income who has no one to return home to, soon feels insecure and lonely. It is this loneliness and insecurity that causes them to drift into casual relationships, drugs, alcohol or depression.

Often, those Indians who go abroad do so purely because higher earnings can be sent to the family “back home”. Despite affluence or social prominence, there is always a subtle pressure in Indian society on the individual to marry and settle down. Living alone by either man or woman is frowned upon, as people firmly believe that a single individual is incomplete unless there is a partner. This is particularly so with regard to daughters who, although earning well and soaring high in their careers, are a source of uneasiness to their families until they are married and ‘settled’ with one or two children.

Thus, even though the girl-child in India today has a more positive environment in terms of education and career opportunities, she is still made to feel that her role as a woman, too, must be fulfilled. This aspect is ingrained into her both by the family and society, so that she seeks to achieve a balance between her traditional role and career ambitions.

Whereas at one time both Western and Indian women resented being considered ‘birthing machines’, today medical science has evidence of diseases that affect women who do not have children. Furthermore, the modern diet of junk food, alcohol, drugs and birth control pills play havoc with the female body and their effects on her are more lethal than on men.

Thus, while it would be untrue to say that the girl-child in India faces no discrimination today, it must also be admitted that in certain segments of society she is given the love, care, nurturing and opportunity she deserves. With characteristic Indian pragmatism, both parents and in-laws realise that an earning daughter or daughter-in-law is not to be frowned upon, particularly in view of inflation and the return on investment through education!

In more backward and impoverished communities, the birth of a second daughter may be greeted with gloom or forced smiles. In some backward rural communities, life for the girl-child may still be the same as what it was centuries ago. She is regarded as an economic burden on account of dowry, and as a security problem and a soft target that makes one vulnerable to enemies in the rough world of rural feuds. In many households, domestic duties are thrust upon her as early as when she is four or five years old, whereupon she washes dishes, looks after her siblings and is kept away from school. Diet-wise too, the choicest morsels are kept aside for the male child.

However, women-oriented social awareness programmes have now touched even the remotest parts of the country. The spread of education, television, rural development, immunisation, nutrition and literacy programmes have ensured that there is a perceptible change in attitude and the winds of change have ushered in new thinking, despite the gruesome figures of dowry deaths and female infanticide.

While the existence of dowry is lamentable and will be dealt with in a later chapter, the problem of female infanticide, an unfortunate reality of our culture, has been heightened with the introduction of superior medical technology to have sex-selective abortions.

Historically, the frequency of war and the depletion of the male population through war placed a high premium on the male child. In all ancient and martial communities, therefore, the balance was heavily tilted towards the male. They would wage wars, inherit property and rule over kingdoms. The position of a woman depended on her ability to produce the all-important male child. Ancient India was a patriarchal society and in martial communities, such as the Rajputs, the frequent birth of a girl-child allowed the man to remarry so that he could beget a son.

The entry of women into the workforce and the post-World War constitutions that granted equal rights to women in most countries, including India, brought into sharp focus the position of women in society. In the post-sixties world of the emancipated woman, there is a new awareness of the extent to which women had been suppressed and, indeed, treated as second-class citizens in most societies, including those of the so-called advanced countries.

Today, statistics reveal that since more than 50 percent of marriages in the West end in divorce, there is a reduction in the number of united families, as against single-parent families, resulting in a negative population growth rate in Scandinavia, Europe, Russia and Japan. Thus, as society faces the problem of an ageing population that will soon outnumber the young, every birth is an important event and every baby a VIP. Maternal benefits are given to working women to persuade them that they will not lose out if they take time off to fulfil maternal obligations.

In direct contrast to these nations, ancient countries such as India and China face the problem of a burgeoning population, which is eating into the benefits of modern economic development. In earlier times, when healthcare was virtually non-existent and natural calamities and epidemics rampant, families provided for their future by having many children, as they knew that inevitably, only a few would survive into adulthood. In a predominantly agricultural society, numbers were required and children, sons in particular, were regarded as parental supports in their old age when they would no longer be able to work. Now, with improved healthcare and the immunisation programme even in remote villages, the rates of both infant and maternal mortality have fallen drastically and the chances of a child reaching adulthood are brighter. All of which has resulted in a population explosion.

When the Maoist Revolution overtook China, the Communist Government curbed the population by making the one-child norm compulsory. Traditionally, China like India, was a patriarchal society and women would secretly try for a second child in the hope of begetting a son. However, they would be coerced into having an abortion if they were discovered carrying a second child. Being a democracy, India is unable to use any coercive measures. In fact, the compulsory sterilisations carried out during the Emergency between 1975-77 set back the family planning programme due to the harshness with which the campaign was carried out.

India was one of the few countries to legalise abortions as early as 1970, so as to control the population by safely terminating unwanted pregnancies. Many view abortion as an ethical issue, which is why it has not been legalised in many advanced countries, including the United States. In India, while abortion has been given moral sanction, the battle now rages against the age-old practice of female infanticide or ‘gendercide’, wherein, particularly in rural Tamil Nadu and Rajasthan, the unwanted girl-child is strangled, starved or poisoned to death.

With the typical Indian capacity to use modern technology to satisfy traditional requirements, amniocentesis (introduced in 1974 as a measure to ascertain congenital birth defects) was used by medical practitioners and parents for sex determination and sex-selective abortions. Many believed there were no ethical or moral issues involved, as the right to abortion condoned the taking of life, albeit only at a stage where the foetus was not fully functional. Having accepted the right to abortion, why should the right to have a boy or a girl not be given and why should unwanted children be born, who would then be a burden both for the family as well as the country?

The evils of the dowry system make many communities in India consider the birth of a daughter a disaster, rather than as Lakshmi – the goddess of prosperity and wealth. In fact, the birth of a daughter signalled a life-long period of parental vulnerability, debt and humiliation. In urban and semi-urban areas, advertisements proclaimed the following: “Spend Rs 5,000 today and save Rs 5 lakhs tomorrow”, a pointer to the fact that female foeticide today would save a huge dowry in the future.

The 2001 Census figures show there are only 933 females per 1,000 males. However, this is somewhat of an improvement over the 1991 figures of 927 females per 1,000 males. The marginal rise may be attributed to the literacy programmes, media awareness and the spread of healthcare and educational facilities. In 1901, however, there were 972 females per 1,000 males, since people did not have the ‘advantage’ of amniocentesis!

Despite glib justifications, a systematic depletion of one section of the population, the mothers of tomorrow, could not be allowed to thrive uncontrolled. The introduction of the Pre-natal Diagnostic Techniques (Prevention of Misuse) Act, 1994 was introduced by the Government to prevent ‘gendercide’. The Supreme Court has put its might behind the implementation of the law. In one of its recent rulings, the SC took the State Governments as well as the Central Government to task for not initiating stern action against private clinics that have failed to register usage of ultrasound machines. In fact, the Court had asked Health Secretaries and the Siemens Company to submit a list of clinics with ultrasound machines.

It is unfortunate that it required the Court’s intervention for the Government to get cracking on such violators. Due to gender discrimination, 47 per cent of 15-year-old girls have a body weight of under 38 kilos and a height of less than 145 cm, both of which lead to high-risk pregnancy. In addition, nearly 50 per cent of all women are anaemic. Hopefully, these statistics will gradually see a turnaround.