There are no difficult children — there are difficult parents.
According to psychologists it is the parents who are largely responsible for how their children ultimately turn out to be.
Likewise the parents themselves first need to know the difference between right and wrong, proper and improper behaviour, before they can play a positive and constructive role in the upbringing of their children
They also need to even set their own examples before them to follow.This is a breakthrough book that will change the way you think about and practise discipline.
The books guides you on how to:
*Set the rules according to age
*Produce a conducive atmosphere at home
*Listen to their problems
*Select suitable goods for them
*Establish a bond of love and trust
*Deal with children’s need of privacy
*Protect them from inappropriate behaviour of parents
*Avoiding conflict amongst themselves
*Improve communication with the child, explaining to the child the outcome of his/her behaviour
*Effect the system of reward or punishment
*Learn the ways to relax physically and mentally to cope with a child’s reasoning
The book is especially produced for current environmentwhere the parent-child relationship has undergone a major change — covering every stage from early childhood to difficult adolescence.
About the author:
Juhi Aggarwal, M.Sc, M.Ed has been in the field of education for over two decades, interacting with children of different age groups and backgrounds.
She is a dedicated homemaker living in a close-knit joint family. A mother of two energetic and well-adjusted teenagers, she shares her experiences and techniques of bringing up well-disciplined children.
Contents:
Introduction
• Discipline
• What is Hitting?
• Why not to Hit?
• Child Abuse
• Parental and Home Influences on Child
Behaviour
• What are Rules?
• Setting Rules According to Age
Techniques and Ways to
Discipline Children
Conducive Atmosphere
At Home (22 Techniques)
What Not To Do
Inappropriate Behaviour
of the Parents (15 Techniques)
Avoiding Conflicts
Simple Ways to Avoid Turning a Home
into a Battlefield (11 Techniques)
Effectively Dealing with the Child
Improving Communication with
the Child (10 Techniques)
Giving the Child Consequences
Telling the Child the Outcome
of his Behaviour (16 Techniques)
Giving Yourself A Lift
Ways to Relax and Cope with
Child Rearing (7 Techniques)
Excerpts:
Ways to Relax and Cope with Child Rearing
1. Relaxation Exercises - Need for Relaxation
Are you experiencing irritability, anger, anxiety, depression? Your emotions reveal that you are stressed out. Stress can produce indecisiveness, lack of concentration, lack of control and negative thinking. Isn’t it time you took a break?
What is your concept of relaxation? Going to the hills in the summer break or lying on the beach with a book and a drink? Is it something which we plan to do later? Is it something to be done when we finish with all our work? Do you think our work is ever going to be finished? Most of the time we keep postponing our leisure outing.
Relaxation is something we require on a regular basis. Try not to overreact to certain situations. You have a choice in how to respond to a certain situation. Relaxation helps take the focus away from the stressor and increases the possibility of experiencing a positive emotion.
Try to spend at least ten minutes each day in relaxation exercises like deep breathing.
Deep Breathing Exercises
• Sit comfortably in your chair.
• Close your eyes.
• Keep your arms by the side of your body.
• Remove all distractions from your mind.
• You are slowly feeling relaxed and calm.
• Rest your right hand on your stomach.
• Take a deep breath and feel your stomach rise.
• Now breathe out and feel your stomach go in.
• Repeat this exercise to a count of five.
• Slowly open your eyes — you feel relaxed and alert.
2. Meditation
Whenever we overstrain the human machine i.e. the body, and disregard nature’s warning, the mind or body can suffer a breakdown. Meditation teaches us to be at peace with ourselves. It teaches us to be calm and experience absolute relaxation. 5-10 minutes of meditation can train the mind to be still and quiet. This stillness can be incorporated into our daily life by making us less reactive and irritable. Rather than seeing everything as an emergency, everything is treated coolly.
Meditation is not easy. The moment you try to clear your mind of thoughts, it will be flooded with more unsavoury ones. Make a conscious attempt to blank out all thoughts. Beginners may be able to manage it just for a few seconds. Patience and consistency will help you increase this time. A few minutes devoted to meditation will pay you rich dividends.
This is how you can go about it:
• Choose some quiet environment.
• Close your eyes and sit crosslegged.
• Relax your muscles.
• Breathe through nose.
• You can focus your attention on one point, it can be a picture, idol, sculpture or even your breathing!
• Reciting the ‘OM’ mantra also activates the various centres of the central nervous system.
• You can recite a mantra like the Gayatri mantra by which one secures the highest knowledge through God.
3. Yoga
Yoga is based on ancient Indian wisdom and culture and is more than 5,000 years old. Millions of people all over the world are using the system and discipline of yoga for self-evolution and self-realization. Yoga is a totally integrated system which studies man in his wholeness, body, mind and spirit.
Yoga therapy is based on four important concepts of Ahar (diet); Achar (relationship or code of conduct); Vichar (thought process) and Vihar (a balanced programme to handle the body-mind complex, rest and recreation). This holistic approach restores balance and brings about harmony between body, mind and soul.
Yoga gives you a feeling of peace, harmony and tranquillity. It strengthens the muscles, creating flexibility and ease of motion. It is a tremendous stress reducer. A person becomes more alive and focused.
Some points in favour of yoga include:
• It is easy to do.
• It consumes only a few minutes every day.
• It is non-competitive and non-stressful.
• People of any age can do it.
• You can work and progress at your own pace and comfort level.
• It can be done alone or along with a friend or even with the family.
• Classes are held at local parks, temples, community centres.
• Yogic method of harmonious and deep breathing brings about a sedative effect on the nerves and helps achieve mental equilibrium.
• It is suitable for all kinds of people. E.g., harassed housewives, troubled parents, busy executives, growing children.
• It is best to practise yoga exercises early in the morning or evening.
4. Take a Break
One day I rang up my sister, a senior consultant in a multinational company and a mother of two — an energetic three-year-old and a one-year-old kid. \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\"How is the big boss?\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\" I asked. \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\"Boss my foot, you are actually speaking to a slave! I feel I work round-the-clock. With the hectic office work and kids I am totally fagged out by the end of the day. I become irritable and snappy by night. My kind of entertainment is sleeping peacefully at a reasonable hour.\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\" She needed time out desperately.
Everybody needs and deserves a break. Sometimes a problem is not so urgent that it requires an immediate solution. It is best to take a break from a child or even a spouse. Take a brisk walk without dwelling on the problem. With a clear head, then work on the problem.
My sister hit upon a plan to take a well-deserved break. On Saturdays, the children would be the father’s responsibility for two hours. She would drive to the nearby beauty parlour. She would take a prolonged body massage, facial, pedicure, manicure. These two hours rejuvenated and revitalised her.
Taking a break from parenting becomes a must sometimes. It is a never-ending job. You require time out not only to cope with physical fatigue but also mental fatigue. Choose an activity which you enjoy the most. It can be catching up on the latest bestseller, going bowling, going for a play or a film. Choose a person who you can trust the children with. It may be the dadi, nani, masi, maid or a babysitter. Enjoy your time out and face each new day with a fresh mind and the right attitude.
5. Boost Your Self-Image
Recently my doctor sister got a distress call from a friend, a brand new mother of a pair of lively nine-month-old twins. \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\"I am going up the wall, the twins are driving me nuts; if one is quiet the other is cranky; if the other is sleeping the second throws a tantrum. Sometimes I just feel like tossing them out of the window. Is it natural for me to feel this way? I wonder why I went in for parenthood. It is a non-stop, full-time job. I feel overworked and unappreciated. Do you think I don’t have the proper maternal instinct?\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\" She spoke unhappily.
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\"No, your reactions are absolutely normal. A new mother experiences physical as well as mental stress. Your problems seem more because you are handling two children of the same age together. In fact you deserve a lot of credit for raising two healthy, lively infants together,\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\" said my sister.
Whenever you are feeling down and out, just consider the following points and boost your self-esteem.
• I love my children.
• I am a good parent.
• I am doing my best.
• I work hard.
• I am friendly.
• I can make my own decisions.
• I can control my anger.
• Everyone makes mistakes.
• We should learn from our mistakes.
• My children love me.
These positive affirmations will keep you going when you are down and need comfort. They work wonders when said by your spouse, sister, mother, friend. The greatest morale booster I feel is one’s own mother. Ring up your mother. Her five minutes\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\' pep talk can work wonders for your ego. In fact, after the chat you will start feeling like a supermom or dad.
6. Share your Problem
Sometimes discussing your problem with others helps. In India we have a strong family support system consisting of Dada, Dadi, Nana, Nani, Tau, Tai, Chacha, Chachi, Masi, Mama, Cousins etc. These people may be living with you or near you. They can offer you invaluable advice on how to deal with certain problems. There may be no single magical solution to your problem but talking with them may lessen your doubts, fears and concerns. Grannies and Granddads after all are Grandparents who have scores of years of experience behind them.
When you are discussing your problem with a relative or a friend your confidant should be a patient and sympathetic listener, be available to you readily, does not criticize you, does not ask for any favours in return, talking to her or him makes you feel lighter.
Nowadays with distances growing wider in cities, neighbours can prove better friends than relatives. Ten minutes of exchange of problems over the fence may make you feel calmer. Active participation in Parent-Teacher Organizations can also help solve many of your disciplining problems. Parents of similar a age group children have similar problems. Discussions in small groups can be very useful. The child’s class teacher is an important person who can throw light on the child’s behaviour in school. Talk to her if your child faces any problem in the school. She may be able to pinpoint the reason behind the difficulty. The school guidance counsellor can also be consulted in time of need.
Nowadays in India we have many hotlines that one can turn to in time of crisis like Sanjivani, Sahara etc. They help the child cope up with academic failures, loss of self-esteem, social maladjustment and negative view of life. These associations are flooded with calls, specially after board exams. They have been known to do a lot of good work specially for teenagers.
7. Make Anger Take a Back Seat
What is anger? Anger is basically a conflict of needs. We become angry if we think that someone or something is interfering with our wants or needs. Some individuals have a low annoyance threshold while others can tolerate more provocation. Some others tend to bottle up anger and explode like a volcano at a later date, venting their fury on one and all.
One of our biggest challenges is to express our anger in a constructive way. For this to happen first we must learn to communicate with others in a sensitive and effective way.
Let us try to see why we get angry:
• Due to excessive physical and mental fatigue.
• Expecting others to read our minds and knowing what we need.
• Unrealistic expectations from everyone.
• Inability to say ‘no’ to others.
• Excessive delay in a happening.
• Inappropriate behaviour exhibited continuously.
How can we deal with anger constructively?
• Try to make peace with your anger by feeding yourself healthy thoughts. Try to make concessions for others\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\' behaviour; for example your son could be very angry because his team lost the match in school today or the baby might be acting cranky because it did not get proper sleep.
• Try to avoid thinking in terms of right and wrong, e.g. it is bad to scream. It is right to be patient. Sometimes a little bit of letting off steam may even prove to be healthy.
• Focus on the problem at a time. Juggling with too many conflicts at the same time can leave you unhappy, tired and solutionless. Tackle the most important problem first e.g. child’s truancy from the school.
• Choose an appropriate time – If you are angry or tired, do not try to work out a problem. E.g. sending the child to a boarding school as a form of punishment for inappropriate behaviour.
• If possible, communicate and express your feelings with whom you have a problem – if your child speaks to you in an insolent way and challenges your authority. Tell him that you felt very hurt and would not like a repetition of the behaviour.
• Express your needs in a clear and simple way. E.g. all the household chores are not your responsibility alone. Make your stand clear. Tell them that you also feel tired and need leisure time.
• Be specific in what you want the other parson to do or not to do. For example, for a boy of ten years you set the following tasks:
• Water the plants on alternate days.
• Keep his desk neat and clean.
• Clean the dining table after food.
• Not to stay outdoors after 7.30 P.M.
• Use reflective listening – Many times when we are listening to others, our minds are elsewhere. Repetition of what the other person is saying helps the other person in realising that you are sympathetic to his cause.
• Do not attack or blame the other person. If a child breaks an expensive vase while playing with a ball in the dining room, it is better to say that this wouldn’t have happened if he had followed the rule of playing in the garden.
• Look for solutions – Try to look for all possible solutions to the problems instead of aggravating them further by shouting or hitting.
Returning anger with anger will only fuel more anger. In contrast a calm, sympathetic response makes it difficult for the other person to maintain his rage.
Excessive anger in the house can create an atmosphere of tension, fear, mistrust. It can make the person feel lonely and isolated. At the same time anger can play havoc with physical health. Chronic anger can lead to severe headache, hypertension, ulcers etc.
Control over anger is a must for effective parenting.
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