Renton's Enjoy Your English

About the Author
Some Words about Words
Contents
Foreword
Preface

PART I - RULES FOR WRITERS IN A NUTSHELL
CHAPTER 1
Common Grammatical Errors
BACKGROUND
SUMMARY OF THE KEY ISSUES
PUNCTUATION
OTHER ASPECTS

CHAPTER 2
Common Spelling Errors
BACKGROUND
ALPHABETICAL LIST
COMPOUND WORDS
POSSESSIVE PRONOUNS AND ADJECTIVES.
-ISE VERSUS -IZE
SPELLING AND GRAMMAR
THE SPELLING CHECKER

CHAPTER 3
Vocabulary Issues
SOME POPULAR MISCONCEPTIONS
MULTIPLE MEANINGS
EDUCATION IN THE UK
EXAMPLES OF UGLY NEW TERMS
ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S GETTYSBURG ADDRESS
DIFFERENT POINTS OF VIEW

CHAPTER 4
Gobbledegook
BACKGROUND
EXAMPLES
INTERESTING QUOTATIONS

CHAPTER 5
Gender Neutral Language
BACKGROUND
THE PROBLEM
THE SOLUTION
FEMININE DESIGNATIONS
HOMOSEXUALITY
MAN
QUOTATIONS
SEX AND GENDER

CHAPTER 6
Badly Worded Resolutions
BACKGROUND
RESOLUTIONS
AMENDMENTS TO RESOLUTIONS

CHAPTER 7
Some Management Issues
SLOPPY BUSINESS PRACTICES
CREDIBILITY
THE ROLE OF EMPLOYERS
SOME CASE STUDIES
WHAT DOES A “GUARANTEED” INVESTMENT REALLY
MEAN?

CHAPTER 8
Miscellaneous
UNITED STATES USAGES
POOR COMMUNICATIONS
UNACCEPTABLE EDITORIAL LAPSES
FOUL LANGUAGE
NAMES FOR FAMILY COMPANIES AND TRUSTS.
SPAM
PREPOSITIONS AT THE END OF SENTENCES
DDMMYY
BC/AD/BCE/CE
ONLINE DICTIONARIES
FIRST GENERATION
ENSURING THE ACCURACY OF LINKS
STATE AID FOR MOTORISTS

PART II - FOR LOVERS OF WORDS
CHAPTER 9
How many Words are there in the English Language?
BACKGROUND
COUNTING THE WORDS
THE COUNT FOR INDIVIDUALS

CHAPTER 10
Established but Illogical Uses
BACKGROUND
COMMONLY USED WORDS AND PHRASES
HEIGHT AND WIDTH
TABLE

CHAPTER 11
Metaphors are Old Hat
WHAT IS A METAPHOR?
STATISTICS OF METAPHOR USAGE
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN
GEORGE WASHINGTON QUIZ
GRASPING THE NETTLE WITH ELBOW GREASE
METAPHORS FROM THE BIBLE
EXAMPLES OF BIBLICAL METAPHORS

CHAPTER 12
Assorted Lists
USEFUL MNEMONICS
STRANGE NEWSPAPER HEADLINES
SOME TIPS FOR NEW WRITERS
NEW OLYMPIC EVENTS
HOW TO CONFUSE FOREIGNERS
DID YOU KNOW ?
ANNIVERSARIES
HYBRID ANIMALS
STOLEN BY COMPUTER GEEKS
THE MOST WIDELY SPOKEN LANGUAGES IN
THE WORLD
HOW MANY LANGUAGES ARE THERE?
OFFICIAL LANGUAGES
ACRONYMS
BUZZ WORDS

CHAPTER 13
Some Curiosities of the English Language
“OUGH”
VOWELS
CONSONANTS
CONSECUTIVE WORDS
SOME PUZZLES
ALPHABET SOUP
THE SHORTEST PANGRAM
TWO INTERESTING ANAGRAMS
THE LONGEST WORD
CONTRANYMS
PREFIXES AND SUFFIXES
A WORD WITH THREE APOSTROPHES
DOUBLE AND TREBLE LETTERS
LETTERS IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER
UNREPEATABLE
TYPEWRITER TRIVIA
“REFLEXIVE ONLY” VERBS
DOUBLETS AND TRIPLETS
HOW TO SPELL “EE”
“GHOTI”
SMOKING
THE UNITED STATES CONSTITUTION
THE CAMBRIDGE EXPERIMENT
THE LONGEST LIPOGRAM
LOREM IPSUM
OTHER WORD ODDITIES

PART III - LIGHT RELIEF
CHAPTER 14
A Letter From Gloria
BACKGROUND
THE LETTER

CHAPTER 15
A Love Letter
BACKGROUND
THE LETTER

CHAPTER 16
Fun and Games in the Centre
BACKGROUND
THE STORY

CHAPTER 17
A Modern Fable
BACKGROUND
THE STORY

CHAPTER 18
How I Met My Wife
BACKGROUND
THE STORY

APPENDIX
Style Manuals - Masters or Servants?
WHAT IS A STYLE MANUAL?
DESCRIPTIVE VERSUS PRESCRIPTIVE?
OFFICIAL GUIDANCE
BUSINESSES
TAKEOVERS
OVERSEAS OWNED COMPANIES
PUBLISHERS
INFORMAL APPROACHES
SPECIALIST GUIDES
UNITED STATES
A LACK OF LOGIC
INTERNATIONAL ASPECTS
CONCLUSION
Glossary
Tailpiece

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A Modern Fable A synonym is a word one uses when one cannot spell the right word and therefore cannot find it in the dictionary - anon BACKGROUND As mentioned in the previous chapter, good writing requires more than just accurate spelling, grammar and punctuation. A further practical example may assist. Reproduced below is another short story by the present author which uses humour to convey some important messages. An earlier version of it was originally included in his book CompanyDirectors: Masters or Servants? published in 1994. THE STORY Mary Black was a young journalist on the staff of a major metropolitan newspaper. She was not long out of university and her early career had been on the paper’s general pages. However, recently she had been transferred to the business section in order to broaden her experience and this had exposed her to a whole new set of interesting challenges. Many companies listed on the stock exchange hold press conferences when they release their annual reports. Often company spokesmen are also willing on request to give more detailed background briefings to finance reporters at that time of the year. Thus it came about that Mary was sent to interview a gentleman whom we will just call John Smith in order to protect the guilty. Smith was the head of a large public company which for some months had frequently made the headlines on the business pages for its enormous losses and other problems. Its latest result, released a few weeks ago, had been even more dismal than the market had expected. As it was the reporter’s first assignment of this type she was understandably more than a little nervous. However, when she rang the company somewhat to her surprise she got an appointment without difficulty. She thus felt that this would be a relatively easy interview. Perhaps she could even get a human interest angle. She obtained copies of the company’s published annual reports for the last few years and did some homework in anticipation. Fortuitously, her reporter’s notebook subsequently fell off the back of a truck. From this it has now proved possible to reconstruct the conversation which must have taken place and which is reproduced below. Apparently, when Mary got there Smith welcomed her cordially and she relaxed. After some preliminary chit-chat she got down to the business at hand. She decided to quote from the company’s latest annual report, a thick document which had been sent to all shareholders a few days earlier. She was trying to use this as a convenient opening gambit in order to get her host talking: “I see that unlike many other organisations your company does not set out its corporate objectives in this document. In practical terms, what are your aims for the next year or two?” “Are you making any charges?” was Smith’s unexpected, angry and irrelevant response. The Great Man, as his subordinates regarded him, had suddenly turned hostile. “Not at all - I merely wished to know, just what do all these high-sounding words really mean?” she said meekly. “They mean that we will be increasing the value of our shareholders’ investment,” he said in a firm voice designed to disguise the uselessness of such a motherhood statement. “What changes will your group actually be making?” “Look here, I have in my hand an expert report which we specially commissioned at great expense. Let me read you an extract: “‘Your business plan needs to be a flexible arrangement, put together by a company’s management in order to impress lenders and regulatory authorities, and possibly enhanced by carefully worded references to modern digital technology, established games theory, tested interpersonal relationships, stochastic work profiles, time phase communications tools, random economic activities, reciprocal mission statements, purposeful dynamic options, well designed locational incremental functions, third generation style issues, major logistic programs, statistical engineering concepts, prime operational hardware, stable supervisory strategies and the like.’ “There, now are you satisfied?” “But what does all that this really mean?” she pleaded. “How dare you question that!” he thundered. “I have just read you part of a letter from a leading international firm of chartered accountants, a team of the highest standing. In fact, this report was prepared by a partner who has held high office in one of the national accountancy bodies. How can you possibly query such expertise?” “Then how do you explain your recent losses?” “The weather.” He seemed to have a straight face. “The weather?” “And we had trouble with several trade unions.” “What sort of trouble?” “And the Government acted unpredictably.” “Please go on.” “Then some of our computers played up.” “Well?” “And our competitors increased their market share.” “But ...” “We lost some important licences.” “So?” “Our customers just weren’t very loyal. The consumer lobbies were on our back. Our auditor was being extremely difficult. Our lawyers kept giving us the wrong advice.” “What exactly are you getting at?” she challenged. Smith just went on and on, ignoring her again: “Also, the banks let us down. So, you can see that the losses weren’t really our fault at all. We are not like our chief competitor, who appointed an expert to advise it on the basis of his prolific ability to produce an infinite variety of incomprehensible figures calculated with micrometric precision from the vaguest of assumptions based on debatable evidence from inconclusive data derived by persons of questionable reliability for the sole purpose of confusing a highly paid but already hopelessly befuddled board of directors who never read the statistics anyway.” She decided to change tack. “Your chairman’s address to the company’s last annual general meeting was remarkable in that it did not seem to mention your company or its activities even once.” “That is quite right.” “That is quite right?” “Yes. Actually, it wasn’t the official speech we had prepared for him. He had somehow managed to pick up the wrong piece of paper. He just read out a different speech without noticing. After all, he is 87 years old.” “Then why on earth did you not try to stop him?” “Well, it was quite a good speech anyway - and he has been our chairman for 45 years. He succeeded his father and grandfather. Two of his sons are on our current board. He is such a nice chap. You have to make allowances.” She sighed inwardly and tried a different approach. “In last year’s annual report your review of the year mentioned some problems with one of your associated companies. What precisely is the current position?” “Regrettably, that company is now in liquidation and we have unfortunately lost a lot of money. The company’s former chief executive officer is facing serious criminal charges in three States and extradition to New Zealand. He has been accused of putting millions of dollars of public shareholder funds into his private pocket, where they just disappeared. He has also been declared bankrupt. But we expect to get some money back from him.” “Really?” she asked, incredulously. “Just how?” “Well, he is a very good public speaker, very inspirational, much in demand on the professional lecture circuit. He is beloved by his audiences and he can thus charge very high fees for his frequent appearances at very expensive corporate management seminars.” “What exactly does he speak on?” “Oh, his most popular topic is ‘How to run a business ethically’.”

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