Façade
by Angelica Bata

I stared at him and he stared back at me. Our eyes met but he never saw right through me, he never felt what I really felt for him. He was approaching me with a smile “hi…” he said and I just nodded. Then he ran towards the stairs. I looked back and he was gone. I’ve liked him since 2^nd year and until now; he is still here, inside my heart. Every body knows I like him, but it’s me who really keeps on denying it. Maybe because I was scared that he would know that I liked him. I was attracted to his immaturity, his arrogance, his pride and everything. He smokes, drinks and loves nightlife but why do I like him? I really don’t know. I was having the hard time pretending that I don’t like it because I was ashamed that a girl like me, have a good rep likes a guy whose opposite. My friend would often mock and nag me for not choosing who to be attracted to. They always tell me that he doesn’t worth me at all. But what do they know? I admit I don’t know him that much but whenever he will look at me it seems that I knew him even before I have feelings for him. He doesn’t know me that well. I’m not popular nor pretty, I’m just a simple average girl who likes him. I really like him and because of liking him that much I began to fall for him, really fall for him… It was a year since my painful break up and I intended not to have relationship anymore. I was depressed and empty for the past few moths of my recovery. I was sure hoping that there would be someone out there who could fill up my emptiness. John. Even though he doesn’t know it, I know he is the one. If only he could be mine forever, if only he could see right through me and feel what I am feeling towards him. I wished he could see the real me behind this façade. But his eyes were shut. Close. I was hurt by the time I knew he had liked someone. I pretended not to be affected because I don’t want everybody to know about it. I want to steal him form her but it seems that I couldn’t. He loves her so much. I tried befriending him but he doesn’t want, his approach towards me seemed to change and it affects me, everything in my moods, everything and me. His actuations and his attitudes hurt me and he never was aware that I have deeply affection for him. He was so blind for his love for her. He doesn’t even care that somebody here is hurt and is suffering a lot. I guess I thought all the while that I’ve been fooled so I stopped and give my time some space to think and reflect. So what I did was build a wall behind my thoughts and feelings for him, in other word I tried to forget whatever affections I have for him for the mean time. Every time I see him around the campus, I always am pretending that I’m happy and that I don’t care about him anymore. But sometimes when I’m lonely I keep on thinking about him. I can’t just say that I have moved on already because I wasn’t. I could consider him as my breath that helps me to live, my life and my world. Whenever I see him with her, I could feel my heart and my world dying of pain. I know he still is courting her but still I have no chance of stealing him. I tried to erase him on my mind. It took me 3 days to erase him on my head; I mean not to think of him everyday. I was infuriated to him sometimes because he wouldn’t open the door of his heart. I kept on knocking but still he won’t open it. I would often cry at night because I’m figuring out how to get over him and forget about him but I just merely can’t. I can’t bare seeing him with her and here I am standing all-alone in the dark, waiting for him to see me. I could hear my heart’s cry in pain, telling me to get out if this façade and tell him what I really felt for him, that this isn’t the “like” anymore. There are times that I wanted to tell him what I really felt for him but I was afraid of sailing the deep blue sea. He was really very hard to reach and he is really is very hard to love. My heart aches every time I see him. Whenever I looked at him and whenever he stares back at me, I would panic and I would change my stare to a different direction. I just don’t know how to express it, even though I wanted to there’s something hinders me to do so, his love for her. My friends would ask me whenever I’m quiet and lonely “ why… what happen?” Jen would often tell me. But my response would always say “ Nothing…” and I controlled my tears from falling. I don’t’ want anyone to know what I’m hiding. I don’t want them to see the real me. I want them to see me as a happy person. I don’t want them to know that I’m wearing a façade mask, never to be revealed. I was walking towards the covered walk when I felt a tapped on my shoulder, “ are you okay?” it was my ex-boyfriend. I nodded. He smiled at me and said “ why… c’mon tell me”. We sat on the benches. I told him everything and I was pouring down tears. It was nothing for him because he was just listening. I calmed down and as I wiped my last teardrop he told me to express my feelings towards John. I replied with a shook and told him, “ I can’t…I’m afraid… that he wouldn’t…” I shook my head. I managed to smile and he hugged me like a brother comforting her sister. Sad to say but our relationship was a platonic one, so he was like a brother to me. He said that I just have to confront John about it. He emphasized that I should break this façade soon so that I wouldn’t be suffering anymore. He told me that my only intention would be to let John see me as who I am really is and let him be aware that there’s somebody here suffering and is in great pain not to let him love him back. He stresses out that I must tell him before it’s too late. I think for a minute and realized he was right. But it seems as though my strength coming unto him isn’t enough but he still insisted that I should go talk to him. I managed to smile and nodded. He told me before he bid me goodbye that he would call me. When I reached my house I felt so numb and weary, I have this vibrations that there is something’s going to happen. It’s like having premonitions… I went straight into the room and Mona called me up “ Gale you know what?? John was dumped…” “ WHAT?” I replied with glee and at the same time pity. She told me that John went home straightly after practice because he was too affected because of being dumped. We hung up the phone and I never waited my ex-boyfriend’s call. I slept with contentment that sooner or later this façade I’m wearing will sooner be removed. I went to school ready for action. “ Now is the day….” I keep on whispering myself. When I climbing up the stairs my heart was beating fast. I reached the floor at last and I saw him at the roof deck. John. He was there. Standing alone and thinking deeply. I took the chance of telling him what I felt. I walked towards him and tapped him at the shoulder. He looked at me. Our eyes met. I could see that he is painfully hurt. His eyes were watery, as it has been crying all night. “I…” he walked away leaving me there. He never even let me say the words that I have always longing for to tell him. I know he was hurt and in pain but couldn’t he feel that I’m hurt too juts like he is. I couldn’t be her but I could love him as much as he loves her. I want to tell him everything that he… but now it’s too late. The chance that I have was taken by the wind. I went back towards my room. Hurt. Crying. Confused. Before I reached the door I managed to smile… a smile of façade…